I slipped away from this nightmarish election marketing campaign right into a scrumptious dream the opposite night. I dreamed that, when Joe Biden will get as much as reset his beleaguered presidency on the State of the Union handle, he offers this astonishing speech:
Mr. Speaker. Man, Mike Johnson was a no person simply weeks in the past — now he’s Neville Chamberlain. Madam Vice President. Oy.
Our first girl — you hottie! And our second gentleman. Members of Congress, leaders of our navy, justices of the Supreme Courtroom. And also you, my fellow People.
My report is that this: The state of my psychological competency is robust. And the union’s OK, too.
You suppose I’m forgetful? Check out the opposite man — he can’t even bear in mind who Nancy Pelosi is, and that gal is one of the best speaker in United States historical past! what I bear in mind? I bear in mind learn how to elevate folks up, not tear them down and pit them in opposition to each other. I bear in mind learn how to inform the reality when my lips transfer.
I could also be 81, but it surely’s not about your chronological age. It’s about how outdated your concepts are. Donald Trump desires to yank us again on girls’s rights, the surroundings, mail-in voting — really, all voting. He’s undermining NATO, the strongest alliance ever. I’m attempting to construct a high-speed practice from Vegas to L.A., child!
I bear in mind very nicely that, three years in the past, our economic system was reeling. Our administration has created almost 15 million jobs and helped fund 46,000 infrastructure tasks. Unemployment has been below 4 %, and the inflation price has gone down.
My boy Hunter made mincemeat out of the Home Republicans. His Irish was up, and he informed these clowns there was no corruption on my half. I see you down there, Matt Gaetz, you mendacity, dog-faced pony soldier! Once you tried to quiz Hunter about his drug use, he made fast work of you. Pot calling kettle! How may you give Hunter a tough time whenever you’re below investigation by the Home Ethics Committee for sexual misconduct and utilizing illicit medicine? Plenty of luck with that, man!
Hunter is my hero. He’s attempting to remain sober to assist me — and preserve our democracy from falling off the wagon. My household grifts just a little, however what White Home doesn’t? The Obamas, however aside from that …. The Clintons left with a transferring truck of presidency property. And take a look at the Trump syndicate, man!
I’m nonetheless on high of my recreation, people. Right here’s the deal: I’ve all the time had gaffes. That’s my factor. Like again in 2006 once I mentioned, “You can’t go right into a 7-Eleven or a Dunkin’ Donuts except you will have a slight Indian accent.”
I haven’t been excellent, Lord is aware of. I’m in a time warp when it comes to how I see Israel, and I ought to have reined in Bibi sooner to cease the Gaza tragedy. I’ve been too gradual to repair the border, however you Republicans don’t need it mounted anyway.
Nonetheless, I really feel I deserve re-election, people. I don’t suppose I get sufficient credit score for my achievements. They mentioned bipartisanship was such a Twentieth-century idea, however I labored throughout the aisle to assist go the most important infrastructure funding in historical past and the manufacturing invoice bolstering chips and semiconductors.
We’re confronted with a second of extraordinary problem. If we are able to meet our crises on the border and in Ukraine and Gaza, if we are able to handle the out-of-control Bibi and the psychotic Putin, we shall be a nation of limitless chance.
I could not have an extended future, however America does. Our kids and grandchildren do. We don’t wish to let one man’s checkered previous drag down our shining future. We can not let our nation be ripped aside by retribution and vengeance.
I’m happy with the 51 years I’ve spent on this city. I’m honored that tens of millions of individuals throughout this nation need me to proceed to guide them. However I inform you tonight: I can’t be a candidate for president this fall.
I don’t need a debate over my age to be an obstacle to America’s progress. It’s eclipsing the issues that we must be centered on.
After a lot prayer and deliberation, I’ve determined that I must spend my ultimate chapter devoting my full consideration to our thorny challenges.
I used to be critical, people, once I known as myself a bridge to a brand new technology, a transitional determine. I’ll launch my delegates this summer time on the Chicago conference to vote for the candidate they really feel can carry our banner into the long run.
I do know our nation — and the world — has been via a tough time. Divisive politics. A withering pandemic. A murderous Putin. However as I go away you tonight, I would like you to know that America has confronted and navigated each problem for over 247 years.
Allow us to be a part of palms. Now’s the hour of duty. Our character is fashioned. Our function is discovered. Our future is solid.
It’s by no means, ever been good to guess in opposition to America. God bless you all — even you, Gaetz. And God save the queen, man!
